Pitching is now closed. Thank you to everyone who participated! And a huge THANK YOU to Shira for all of the time and thought she is putting into this pitch day. We had such an amazing turnout that Shira needs some extra time to read through all of your pitches. Please check back for comments and requests through Saturday.
Be sure to read through the comments! Shira shared some great insights on pitching and what she is looking for when it comes to manuscripts.
You may have heard that Sub It Club is 3 and we are celebrating! Today we are thrilled to have Shira Hoffman of McIntosh & Otis here at the Sub It Club blog perusing your pitches! If you have not yet read our interview with Shira, please do go and read it. She shared a ton of helpful tips that you may want to know before pitching.
Shira will be looking at pitches between 10am and 6pm EST today and will be making requests on those that pique her interest. She may also offer feedback if time permits.
Here are the rules:
Only pitch work in the genres that Shira represents:
- Adult commercial fiction, literary fiction, up-market women’s fiction, romance, sci-fi/fantasy, mystery, narrative nonfiction, memoir
- Young Adult contemporary, sci-fi/fantasy, mystery, romance
- Upper Middle Grade sci-fi/fantasy, mystery, scary
Pitch completed work only.
Post your pitch in the comments section of this post.
Please use the following format your pitch. Pitches are to consist of:
- Title:
- Word count:
- Genre:
- Pitch: 100-words maximum
- Excerpt: The first 100-words of your novel
If you get a request please put Sub it Club in the subject line along with the title of your manuscript so that Shira knows she requested your work. This is your opportunity to jump to the head of the line!
If you have questions, I’ll be hanging around in our Sub It Club Submission Support Group and will answer asap. Here’s to some great pitches. Best of luck everyone!
Sub It Club 
Title: SCARS WE BARE
Word count: 72,000
Genre: young adult science fiction
Pitch: When seventeen-year-old Olivia discovers that her dad has been hiding his true identity and that biologically, he’s not her dad–and not even human–she propels herself into a destructive spiral and attempts to dismantle the family and her parents’ marriage. As Olivia struggles to accept her parents’ reasons for hiding her dad’s secrets, she learns a powerful lesson about love and the confusing, illogical, yet tenacious path it sometimes takes. Young adult sci-fi complete at 72,000 words. Maximum Ride meets The Lunar Chronicles. Stand-alone with series potential.
Excerpt: Everyone dreams, at some point, of flying. Not going to the airport, getting scanned, and spending a few hours staring out of an eight inch square window. I’m talking about when you reach your hand out of the car window and feel the wind slicing through your fingers. Looking down from a high building and getting that sensation of falling. Like being on vacation with your family, the seat belt cutting into your lap a little as you bounce over hills in the country. Like all of that, only lasting however long you want because the wind couldn’t hurt you, because you won’t ever fall, and there is no seat belt holding you down.
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Hi Missy. Love the opening excerpt! The opening images really drew me in. Why don’t you send me your pitch, synopsis and 100 pages to shquery@mcintoshandotis.com?
Re: your pitch. Try to make sure you are being specific “destructive spiral” and “dismantle the family” are a bit vague and “not even human” could mean any number of things. Also, ask yourself what is on the line for Olivia? I think having a clearer answer to that question within the query would help up the urgency. “Her family and her parent’s marriage” feels a bit generic. Right now I’m not 100% sure what this story is about, but the excerpt saved it for me.
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Also! Can you put “Sub It Club” in the subject line along with the title so it’s easy for me to find? Thanks!
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Thank you so much!
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Good morning Shira,
TITLE: THE BLOOD BARRIER
WORD COUNT: 80,000
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy with LGBTQ themes.
Pitch:
Haley’s one of the Taken, a top killer-in-training. To cling to her sanity, she escapes the compound, but the voices in her head driving her to destroy aren’t exactly a good look for someone seeking asylum.
Her epileptic brother, KC, and his best friend/crush, Charles help her. However, she’s falling for Charles. Haley must harness her hallucinations before she kills everyone. Piece of cake. Unless everyone she loves happens to be the biggest delusion of all.
THE BLOOD BARRIER is the jealous-yet-loving sibling relationship of I’LL GIVE YOU THE SUN meets the mental, mutant self-doubt of SHATTER ME.
First 100:
Heat, intense but not unpleasant, hits my face as flames flicker along the wooden floor of my bedroom. Steadily, each beautiful, shiny-smooth plank evolves into a charred and ashy mess. The more I concentrate on the flames, the more Mama’s voice slips from my mind. I revel in peaceful emptiness.
[italics] Afraid of the dark, Mama? Are you kidding? Night is when we unzip the eyes of day and let our true skin free. Afraid? No, I live for the dark. When this room’s engulfed in fire, you’ll see what kind of destruction I’ll create.[/end italics]
“Just you wait.”
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There is some really nice imagery here and some good character detail. That said, there is also a lot that comes off as a bit generic to me “voices in her driving her to destroy” is top of the list. I’ve seen so many stories about voices driving people crazy that it’s hard for this idea to really stand out for me. Also, for your comp titles try to keep it simple, this feels really cluttered to me and I’m not sure what kind of a relationship you are trying to draw between these books and your project. Re: your excerpt, there is some really vivid imagery here that is captivating, but overall it’s image heavy and a bit fragmented.
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Title: Kindreds
Word count: 77,610
Genre: Romance, fantasy
Pitch: Becoming an orphan and finding the love of her life all in the same week should be enough emotional turmoil for 16-year-old Charlie McCarthy for a lifetime. Instead, one week later she stumbles upon a secret carnival world that her new found love is about initiated into and will be taken away from her for good. Should she follow the signs to stop him or follow her heart to join him? What will she decide? What if isn’t up to her?
Excerpt: Different. That’s what Charlie McCarthy choose when asked her to describe herself in one word. She always felt different. She was a proud bookworm, smart, loyal to a fault, kind, and felt every emotion to her core, a social dead end for a sixteen year old. She’d already lived a lifetime and knew life could be a soul sucking, painful journey not for the weak of heart. Different wasn’t about being brave or unique at her age, it was about being odd, left out, and laughed at. For most, different was rejection and undesirable, for her, it was just who she was.
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You had me at secret carnival world, but you lost me with those two extra questions at the end. Cut it off short after “or follow her heart to join him” and you will be in better shape for next time.
Re: your excerpt. There is a lot of telling here and this feels very much like a synopsis vs. the opening paragraph. I don’t always use the saying “show don’t tell” because as a story teller there are definitely times where telling is actually ok. However, this opening paragraph was definitely too much on the “telling” side for me.
Also, watch for typos and missing words. There were a couple of points of confusion for me here that took me out of the pitch and excerpt and made me have to re-read.
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Title: Freya and the Dragon Egg
Word Count: 69,500
Genre: Middle Grade fantasy
Pitch:
Freya’s family is wonderful. Just not to her. But that is all about to change when her father, Denmark’s renowned Viking archaeologist, asks her to hide a precious artifact where no one will find it. Freya jumps at the chance to prove her worth and suddenly discovers herself transported to a magical forest where she comes face to face with not only real Vikings, but a clan of sprites and a Berserk as well. In search of a way home, Freya unearths a realm of adventure and a path to greatness she is sure her family will revere.
Excerpt:
A voice in the dark whispered, “It is time.”
Off in the distance, a soft breeze strumming a gentle tune in the grass gasped. It bolted, shrieking and shrilling while dropping in temperature as if from fright.
Then all fell silent and the heavy curtain of night opened.
Three sparks crept through. Glowing and shimmering like crystals of sea ice, they moved across the blackened sky. Streaks of light trailed behind them stretching to keep up with the ever increasing speed of the sparks but fading quickly as if swallowed by the thickness of night.
The blue sparks journeyed on.
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Good job with this, I like how specific you are in your pitch. I also like the unusual almost mystical feel you are capturing with your prose. That said, I’m really really picky when it comes to middle grade and this isn’t quite for me. Maybe try querying my colleague Christa, she might be a better fit for this one.
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You can check Christa out on our agents page at http://mcintoshandotis.com/agents/
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Thank you Shira for your honest feedback, and of course I appreciate the nod for seeking representation with your colleague. I’ll send her a query today!
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THANK YOU SO MUCH for this opportunity, Heather! What a great idea. Congrats on Year 3 for this awesome blog. Sending a huge THANK YOU shout-out to Shira for her time and energy as well.
Title: Daughter of Pele
Word Count: 91,000
Genre: Adult Mystery
Pitch:
Social isolation equals self-preservation for Inspector Alexandra Drake, a synthesia-affected empath who craves more than her hermitic life despite the risks. An unexpected transfer to San Francisco PD’s Homicide division allows her new opportunities for camaraderie, a tenuous task while her new partner, Kieran Donovan, is still grieving the loss of his best friend.
When evidence links their teen suicide case to the yakuza’s return to the city, the syndicate locks them in their crosshairs. Alexandra must reacknowledge her dormant ability to save her partner’s—and new friend’s—life, and pray the fire won’t consume them both in the end.
Excerpt:
Sweat trickled down Alexandra Drake’s chest. Tropical air thick with the promise of rain tasted of the ocean blocks away. Hell, she hated waiting. Three years on Honolulu PD’s Narcotics/Vice squad had exercised her modicum of patience, but that trait hadn’t improved.
She rested a hip against an unmarked steel barrel behind the warehouse and prayed they’d finish this raid before boredom killed her. The vibrant tempest inside her skull assured her she wasn’t the only one ready for things to get moving. Nothing like waiting until some judge could be bothered on a Sunday to sign a search warrant.
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I like the concept of a homicide inspector with synesthia and the yakuza is a really interesting hook that I haven’t seen done before. However, both this pitch and the opening excerpt just got too wordy for me. In a pitch it’s really important to be efficient with language, but the same can be said for any kind of writing. Phrases like “despite the risks” and “allow her new opportunities for camaraderie” are weighing down your idea. Try not to adjective stack and don’t try to pack too many ideas into one sentence. You’ve got good story ideas, but you are gettin in your own way a bit.
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Title: Venom
Word count: 108,000
Genre: Adult Thriller/eco-thriller
Pitch: When herpetologist Kylie Marx investigates the slaughter of rare endangered skinks, an infestation of snakes, scorpions, and a variety of creepy crawlers invades Key West. With a looming anti-venom shortage, Kylie and her fellow scientists scour the town to milk venomous animals to make anti-venom. Fearing she wouldn’t have enough time to cover every victim with a fresh batch of venom from scratch, Kylie explores until things had taken a serpentine turn for the worse. She deduces that the man responsible for the snake outbreak is the same person who left her for dead in the Everglades twelve years ago.
Excerpt: Kylie studied the Solomon Islands skink climbing the glass walls of its tank in slow motion.
Such a rare species to exhibit, she examined the male consuming a diet of fruits and vegetables. On a quiet morning at the amphibians section of the Naples Zoo, she waited for the female to appear and be courted. Before she could check the Key West Mole Skinks in the second tank, Penny, her older sister, charged into her office.
She breathed heavily as she came to a halt. “Kylie!” Penny said. “Did you check your texts?”
“No. What’s up?”
“All your hard work finally paid off.”
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This is a really interesting idea, but I am just not the right agent to comment on this. I don’t really rep straight up thrillers, political-thrillers, eco-thrillers, corporate thrillers, these are all outside my wheelhouse.
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Title: Rayne Came Down
Word Count: 92,000
Genre: Contemporary YA Romance
Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Rayne Davidson’s summer plans include hanging out with friends and nabbing the local hottie despite Mama’s consistent warnings. When Mama’s irrational fears detonate, it’s clear she’s hiding something.
Rayne begins dating the hometown football hero, and life is easy — until she falls in love with his brother. Their forbidden love creates a stir not only in town but also in Mama whose secret could change it all.
When Mama’s sudden confession tears down Rayne’s world from the inside out, a sequence of events laced with heartbreak, murder and betrayal ensues. Everyone will have to pay for Mama’s secret.
Excerpt: Mama always told me to sing Jesus songs if ever in a face-off with the Grim Reaper. Right now, she was singing the gospel chorus of “Never Alone” under her breath.
“I’ve seen the lightning flashing, and heard the thunder roll. I’ve felt sin’s breakers dashing, trying to conquer my soul…”
Maybe I should have been terrified. I wasn’t, and though I didn’t understand the demons she battled, the one thing I’d come to know without a shadow of a doubt is it must be predestined for children to pay for the sins of their parents.
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Hi Rayne,there is some great stuff here! I like the edgy feel and your voice is really intriguing. That said, 92k is way too much for a YA romance. You should probably be aiming for more like 60k Also, the tone here is screaming mystery, thriller, or maybe even horror but not romance. Romance needs to be focused on the two main characters and this is very focused on the sins of the mother.
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Title: THE GALLANT PRINCESS
Word Count: 75,000
Genre: YA LGBT Fantasy
Pitch:
Sixteen-year-old Princess Rafaela, heir to her feudal kingdom, would rather practice sword-fighting with princes than kiss them. Sick of love poetry, Rafi challenges her suitors to foot races for her hand. When one race is sabotaged, she finds herself engaged to Frederick, an ambitious prince who may have drugged her. Before she can prove his guilt, he locks her in his castle to await the wedding. Rafi could use passageways hidden by magic to run home with her companion, Lady Beatrice, who she would like to kiss. But there would be no escape from the war of succession that followed.
Excerpt:
Prince-what’s-his-name waited for me, slouched in front of the fireplace, his sculpted chin resting on his hands. Firelight flickered over a muscle that twitched in his jaw. He was probably rehearsing some prepared speech.
I coughed. He looked up, eyes wide under short black hair. “Rafaela!” His voice softened. “You came.”
Why do my suitors always refuse to call me Rafi? I thought. “What do you want?” I crossed my arms over my chest, my legs shoulder-width apart, ready. The loose skirt over my trousers wouldn’t get in my way, but my hips felt naked with no sword.
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I like what you’ve done in your pitch with defying expectations. That said I think this is a bit too sword and sorcery for my taste. Good luck!
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Title: BEWARE OF BOLTON MANOR
Word count: 89,000
Genre: Contemporary Gothic Romance
Pitch:
When estate agent Olivia Abbate arrives at the coveted Bolton Manor, all she wants is a signed contract. Instead, she gets a forced weeklong stay at the crumbling estate, a dry-humored heir who’s too tempting for his own good (or hers), and a vanished coworker. To save both him and her career, she has to learn to trust the heir’s questionable methods of helping her, one encrypted algorithm at a time, or she might fall prey to the madness scurrying in the bowels of Bolton Manor.
Excerpt:
Right around the time they hit the seventh pothole, Olivia Abbate swore two things—to stop buying her pantyhose at two-for-one sales and to never jump into the first cab willing to take her to the middle of nowhere, no questions asked.
“Is there any way we can go faster?” she asked.
The driver glanced at her in his rear-view mirror, using his tongue to clean the remnants of his lunch from his teeth.
Olivia pretended she didn’t notice. “Or find a shortcut?”
“No can do, Miss,” the driver said. “We’re on the shortest road and I ain’t keen on getting a flat tire.”
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I like the tone and the promise of a crumbling manor is always appealing. That said, I’m not getting romance from this pitch, more old school mystery. Romance is all about the characters and the spark and I’m not seeing that enough here to make me want to request.
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Title: THE BLUE CURSE
Word Count: 58,000
Genre: Upper MG, Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
When the world’s geekiest thirteen-year-old is forced to steal the world’s rarest diamond, he expects jail time not FaceTime—with a ghost. The ghost guides Ryan on a quest to return the Hope Diamond before previous owners, aka the walking dead, come to collect. Too late.
Ryan calls for backup and enlists the geek squad, more of his kind. Together they must evade the authorities, steer clear of past owners, and return the gem by the next blood moon. But they better hurry before the geek squad strangles each other and before the disturbing effects of the diamond are permanent.
Excerpt:
The noise pulsed in my ears like an annoying car alarm. I exited the restroom, bumped into my classmate Lizzy, and tripped over her designer boot.
“Watch it, Ryan.”
She stepped over me, sinking her spiked heel into my shin and ran off. I probably deserved that. I moaned, picked myself up from the floor, and searched for the rest of my class. Security guards flooded the main hall as I headed for the stairs, but a janitor dressed like an ancient Indiana Jones blocked my path.
“What’s going on?” I asked. “Did someone steal something?”
“Le bleu de France.”
“A flag was stolen? Wait, I bet it was one of those expensive Easter eggs.”
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There is a lot to like here with a really interesting concept and a fun action adventure feel. That said, I had to re-read a couple of times to figure out what was happening. Watch for typos and pronoun confusion! This reminds me of the The Goonies or something. I’m just not connecting for some reason. You might try Christa on this one.
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Good morning, Shira, and thank you for your time and consideration.
NILE is a YA Fantasy that blends Physics with a bit of magic and History.
TITLE: NILE
WORD COUNT: 98,000
GENRE: YA Diverse Fantasy
PITCH:
When Laura journeys to Egypt, an accident renders her unconscious. She wakes up on a different planet and encounters the local Pharaoh, Arem. The more Laura learns about Arem’s realm, the more she wants to stay.
Jealous of Laura and Arem growing close to each other, Arem’s betrothed seeks the help of Raeki, a Deo—a universe jumper—to get rid of Laura and send her back to her world. But when Raeki realizes Laura is also a Deo, his plan changes.
Raeki asks Laura to join him in his intentions to rule over Arem’s realm, but Laura becomes hesitant when she learns about his true objective: the annihilation of the Seven Universes. Now Laura must choose to either return to the planet she calls home, or stay to save the one planet that finally felt like one. In a world with no heroes, anyone has a chance to become the worst of villains.
EXCERPT:
Chapter 1 – Beta Universe: APRAESIS
The two moons once foretold that I would become Queen of Hieros, Sun of the Four Kingdoms. But I had never been light. In fact, darkness had never left me. I lived in the shadows, and ruled under the light.
My mentor Raeki stretched out his arms at the other end of the Stone Room, ready to attack. Ready to hurt.
Even if that meant hurting me.
“Piros!” I shouted. A flame sprung from my fingertips, a blazing raindrop of orange heat that crept up my hands. I released the fire, allowing it to spread across the chamber like an uncaged tiger.
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Hi Laura! Couple of thoughts. I like the concept here, but I’m having a couple of problems with the pitch and sample. The pitch feels too much like a blow by blow and I’m not quite getting the voice or the feel of the story. There isn’t enough urgency and the feel is just al ittle too clinical. Also, watch the sentence fragments, they are a bit confusing and caused me to have to re-read.
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Title: UPRISING
Word count: 87,000
Genre: YA High Fantasy
Pitch:
When criminals and beasts unite against the royalty, Princess Raylene must find a way to stop them. They’ve already targeted her father; her grandmother, the empress, is next. But first, she must control her insatiable urge to kill before she turns into a monster herself. GRACELING meets THE QUEEN OF THE TEARLING.
Excerpt:
No one would rule her again, ever.
Raylene held on to those words as tight as she gripped her sword. She pulled the bridle of her zelokyte. The creature, with bird-like head and scales for wings, stopped midair, floating like a bubble. She breathed deeper, hoping the twitching of her feet would stop. Had it been a day or even a week before that, she wouldn’t have had problems locking her thoughts away. Not that day.
The black walls reached up to touch the sky. It became harder to breathe as she got closer to the hexagonal stadium. She adjusted her binocles and the vision sharpened.
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I’m a sucker for main characters who are struggling to overcome evil within themselves. Can you send me a query, synopsis and the first 100 pages? Make sure to write “Sub It Club” in the subject line along with the title of your book.
Just an overall note on your prose, be careful with your tenses. There is some confusion here especially with the past progressive.
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Definitely! Thank you so much! Should I send the first 100 pages as an attachment or pasted in the body of the email?
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Attachment please!
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Sent! Keeping my fingers crossed!
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Title: Frightmare
Word Count: 51,000
Genre: MG Horror
Pitch :
13-year-old Zhen Yu’s going to kill his little sister, Su Ling, and his best friend, Harun unless they stop him first. When an ancient entity called, Devasura, lures Su Ling away, Zhen Yu fights to save her only to become its unwilling host. Feeding off his body, Devasura manipulates people into seeing their worst fears.13 children jump to their deaths, 6 teenagers become bloodthirsty murderers and a hospital burns down. Next on its list—Harun and Su Ling. Can they destroy Devasura without killing Zhen Yu? Frightmare shares LONG LANKIN’s creepy atmosphere and is complete at 51,000 words.
First 100 words :
Goosebumps broke out on thirteen-year-old Chua Zhen Yu’s bare arms and legs, and the fine hairs on the nape of his neck prickled. He walked past rows of single and double story houses jammed against one another separated by tiny gardens or cramped porches. They towered over him behind their metal gates, dark and silent, watching him make his way home. An occasional lighted window stared at him like a malevolent eye of a monstrous beast.
Zhen Yu shivered. He had lived all his life in Jalan Leban, but tonight it gave him the creeps.
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I had a lot of trouble following what was happening in your pitch. Confusion is one of the main reasons that as an agent I will almost always stop reading. Too many names and not enough clarity on the main concept of your story.
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Title: THE GIRL OF SALT AND FEATHER
Word count: 85,000
Genre: Adult Literary Mystery
Pitch:
1785 France. Génépy, the daughter of a revolutionary leader and chef, was left for dead. Now, four years later, she finds herself investigating a murder with eerie similarities to her own attack. When the evidence points to the untouchable royalist cleric who has threatened her life and her family’s home, were she to get in the way of his rise to power, Génépy resorts to her forensic and culinary expertise to solve the murder and becomes the secret weapon of Provence’s revolutionary movement.
Part historical fiction, part mystery, part culinary novel, THE GIRL OF SALT AND FEATHER is a literary mystery set in Provence during the French Revolution.
Excerpt:
The thin layers of the millefeuille’s light and crispy pastry disintegrate like a thousand leaves between my tongue and palate, giving way to the soothing silkiness of crème patissière. A vanilla caress after a flaky explosion, concluded by the sugary taste of raspberry icing.
A flush heats my face and shivers spread through my body. I’ve outdone myself with this dessert. Papa will see that I have all it takes to be a chef when he samples it upon his return.
When I open my eyes, the sun is rising and the copper pots reflect the birthing daylight, splashing an orange glow on the ash grey walls.
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Really interesting idea. Watch the sentence fragments and there are some syntax issues happenign here as well. I love the idea of a historical mystery, but your writing style says much more historical than mystery to me and that is not my thing. Once you’ve re-worked a little maybe tying Liz Winick Rubinstein at M&O this might be more up her alley. Also, LOVE the title.
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Title: COLLIDING SKIES
Word Count: 89,000
Genre: YA Sci-fi Romance
Pitch:
High school senior and space geek, Skye Reilly, has life as meticulously mapped out as her star chart. In one hand, an acceptance letter from her top physics school, and in the other, a new boyfriend. But when an alien spaceship lands, her perfectly planned life is hurled into a cataclysmic collision. Because falling for an alluring Celeian is definitely not in her plans. Neither is meddling with the alien leaders’ secret plot to conquer Earth— or becoming a threat that must be eradicated.
Excerpt:
A perfect first date is supposed to end with a perfect first kiss. My first date with Taylor Manning ended with the beginning of the battle for the human race.
I’d been crushing on Taylor since the start of senior year. Sitting beside him on a picnic blanket under the moonlight with the nerves bouncing around my stomach like tiny rubber balls, the fate of humankind was the furthest thing from my mind.
“Did you enjoy the tour?” Taylor leaned in, gently pulling out a leaf that must have gotten caught in my hair.
“Yeah. This place is amazing.” I glanced at the sandstone Corinthian columns standing grandly in the meadow.
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Great pitch, but could use some comps! Please send me your query, synopsis and first 100. Don’t forget to include the words “Sub It Club” and the title of the book in your subject line. Thanks 🙂
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Hi Shira, Thank you so much for this opportunity. I’m thrilled!
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Good morning, Shira. Thanks again for stopping by!
TITLE: Diamonds And Coal
WORD COUNT: 83,000
GENRE: Women’s Fiction/Thriller-esque
PITCH:
In order to promote her latest movie, actress Shadow agrees to fake a relationship with her co-star and frenemy Krats, a former alcoholic and drug addict. Their film becomes a worldwide success, and the buzz captures Dictator Jen Kao’s attention. Infatuated with the actress, Jen Kao invites Shadow and the rest of her film crew to Gomita, the secluded island he runs like fortress.
Before the trip, Shadow is blackmailed by an intelligence agency to undergo a mission: earn Jen Kao’s trust, steal his intel. By any means necessary. If she fails to do this, Shadow’s most fearsome secret will be exposed, and she will have to kiss her career goodbye.
In Gomita, things take a turn for the worse when Shadow starts falling for Krats. If Shadow wants to make it out alive, she must make Krats believe she doesn’t love him. Survival will soon become the role of a lifetime. Luckily for Shadow, she’s always been one hell of a performer.
EXCERPT:
In retrospect, accepting the mission was the worst choice I could have made.
I would do it all over again.
***
27 September, 2015
All conference rooms seemed the same to me. Same sterile style, same smell of fancy closet. Like an elegant Christmas with Frank Sinatra.
The floor-to-ceiling windows sparkled yellow against the coming dark, an endless line of skyscrapers glowing on the horizon like a myriad of sleeping fireflies. Where was I again?
New York. I had come back to New York.
And there I was, a twenty-seven-year-old girl who apparently had everything and still wanted more. The sky had never been the limit.
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I’m having a lot of trouble seeing where this would fit. The writing doesn’t really say women’s fiction to me, nor does it really say thriller so I think you are in a tought spot. You’ve mixed genres in a way that doesn’t quite gel and now it doesn’t quite seem like you are in either category. I won’t take something on unless I know where it will fit and who I could sell it to. I’m having trouble seeing how I could do that with this. Maybe someone else will feel differently. Good luck!
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Title: PHOEBE FOGG AND THE CHRONOS APPARATUS
Word count: 35,000
Genre: Upper MG SF
Pitch: Young inventress Phoebe Fogg will do anything to be with her adventuring father. When she finds Benjamin Franklin’s old journal and reads an entry about freezing time, she’s convinced his device is the key to solving her problems. After finding Franklin’s invention, she uses it to stow away on dad’s airship. When she’s discovered, the Foggs must face what happened on the family’s terrifying last archaeology expedition. Throughout the story, flashbacks gradually reveal her mother was swept away by the 1900 Galveston hurricane. Indiana Jones meets Jules Verne in this SF adventure story with heart. Stand alone with series potential.
Excerpt: Phoebe Fogg listened to the radiator a few seconds before fetching a footstool. Certainly the heating pipes would transport her father’s conversation with Aunt Catherine to the study. The stool’s cushion boasted a prime example of those “feminine arts” her aunt always praised: a needlepoint explosion of flower blossoms bursting forth in tiny knots. After arranging her pesky petticoats, Phoebe took great joy in planting her derriere on the petunias.
Closing her eyes, she focused on the task at hand. Sounds drifted in from the dining room, but the words all ran together. Was that her father or Aunt Catherine?
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So many good things happening here. Love the Benjamin Franklin hook, the steampunk feel, and the family plot. But this is a mystery and you went and gave away the ending! You’ve got to leave us in a place that will make us want to keep reading. I’m on the fence, so I usually air on the side of taking a peek. Can you send me 100 pages, a synopsis, and a query and I’ll take a peek? Don’t forget to include “Sub It Club” and the title in th subject line. Thanks!
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That would be *err on air. Too many airships in my head apparently.
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Title: MURDER ON THE HOOF
Word count: 70K
Genre: Mystery
Pitch:
After her boss’s death ends her life of constant world travel, Cecile Meadows retreats to her brother’s horse rescue for the summer to rethink her life. A rich local family is organizing a charity auction to benefit the rescue, but there is tension between the family members and when murder hits the auction and an old crush is implicated, Cecile dives into the rich family’s world of horse breeding and showing to unmask a killer who might have killed on the hoof, but will now do anything to frame another for his crime.
First 100:
Furious whinnying almost made Cecile Meadows drop her morning mocha. The first rays of sunshine crept over her kitchen curtains, giving the guest house unit a Mediterranean glow.
Having slept in countless hotel rooms all over the world, some luxurious and almost soundproof, others cheap and situated right beside the elevator or ice cube machine, Cecile had become virtually immune to sounds. No point in letting a creaking board ruin your day.
But this horse’s voice outside was primitive and raw. The trailer he was trashing with his hoofs had taken him to safety, but he didn’t know it yet.
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Hey Viv. Could swear I requested this from you at #pitchmas. Am I wrong? I checked the log and it doesn’t seem like I ever got it. Did we get our signals crossed? This is almost straight of my #mswlist requests. Can you send the pitch plus synopsis and first 100 to me at my query email? Make sure to include the words “Sub It Club” and the title in the subject line. Thanks!
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Dear Ms. Hoffman,
Thank you so much for this opportunity.
Title: ERIN JANE
Word count: 78,000
Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance
Pitch:
Korean-American Erin Jane Nabi has been on her own since her adoptive-family kicked her out at sixteen. She dreams of being an attorney rather than a bartender in Upstate New York.
Her life changes when she stumbles across hit-and-run accident victim, Edward Rochester Thorn, the handsome CEO of Thornfield Wealth Management.
Tension turns into passion as they fall in love, and things only get better when she’s accepted to Harvard Law. There is just one catch to her dream life: Edward is secretly married. And his past will jeopardize their relationship—and their lives in this Jane Eyre retelling.
Excerpt:
A white envelope sat on my passenger seat like a ticking time bomb. The post office closed in less than ten minutes.
I hated leaving things to the last second, but a favor for a neighbor had morphed into three. Typical to form, I couldn’t say no.
My windshield wipers swung, like the beat of a heart, as September became a ghost of the past. Both summer and I had only moments left.
My fingers strangled the stick shift as my knee-high boot hovered over the clutch. With no time left to play by the rules, I opened up the throttle and hammered the gas.
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This feels a little less Comptemporary Romance and a little more Romantic Suspense or even Domestic Suspense to me. Your writing is solid but your pitch isn’t standing out and I’m not sure what the hook is here. I’m intersted to know more, but it’s just too generic! If I don’t feel like I know what the concept is, I’m unlikely to request. If there was a bit more of an angle to grab on to here I’d be really interested in your writing.
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Title: HEAVEN’S ANT FARM
Word Count: 92,000 words
Genre: Adult Science Fiction
Pitch:
Heaven has all but sworn off religion. Science reigns supreme. But trouble brews as a new religious movement threatens Heaven’s tech-utopian dream. Passions boil over in unexpected ways as a secular Yahweh battles a pious Lucifer over the fate of humans he created in a parallel universe. Failure will thrust tormented guilt upon Yahweh for putting the humans at risk to Lucifer’s influence. So here in that parallel cosmos, on a planet called Earth, in the Garden of Eden, Yahweh hunts down Lucifer, who introduces Eve, Adam, and the other villagers to the temptations, challenges . . . and consequences of freewill.
Excerpt:
The Year: 0
A white light silently flashed across the horizon of a warm, watery planet. Then more flashes announced a thousand more megaton detonations as they rumbled across the globe. The world glowed bright orange as firestorms roamed the hemispheres and ignited forests, cities, and towns like match heads.
Stirred by a collective dream, the Korbibtorians believed they had a divine right to take back their world for their lord and almighty god, for whom their religion was named. So they declared a Holy Nuclear War against the other religions and nations to cleanse the world of nonbelievers.
But the armed pagans fought back . . .
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You lost me at religion. Adam, Eve, heaven, hell. It’s been done before, many times and I’m not convinced this is different enough. Also, I grew up religious and it just doesn’t appeal to me. Seems like a mistmatch. Good luck!
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Title: Royal Promise
Word count: 65,000
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Pitch:
Leaving her terrifying past behind, Veterinarian Spencer Green starts over in Sweetwater, Iowa, where she can tend animals big and small without looking over her shoulder. She’s definitely done with men. Especially the tall, dark, and btimming with secrets variety.
Cold and calculating, Crowned Prince Alexei Fitzgerald has always put duty before pleasure, but one fruit lobbing run-in with Spencer and the blasted woman is all he can think about.
When Spencer’s ghosts blow into town, she becomes a threat the one thing Alexei treasures above all else: family. And he’d sacrifice anything, including his heart, to protect his family.
Excerpt:
Dr. Spencer Green stared at the phone lying face down on the scared surface of her desk. How had her life come to this? Wasn’t it just four years ago she graduated college with the whole world at her feet and a promising position at the most prominent veterinarian practice in Dallas? Now here she was, running from a ghost and all the havoc that accompanied it.
The call she just ended was a chance to start over and Spencer was surprised the prospect was almost more frightening than what she would face if she stayed in Dallas.
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Brimming. BRIMMING with secrets. *crawls into hole*
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Love the small town setting and whose heart wouldn’t melt for the promise of a prince? That said, the way you are refering to Spencer’s past problems is a bit too generic. I was actually confused for a second and thought you meant a literaly ghost and had to go back. Be specific! Both in your prose and in your pitch.
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Thank you so much for the feedback.
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Title: HUNTER
Word count: 55,000
Genre: YA contemporary fantasy
Pitch: When sixteen year old Hunter’s growing telepathic ability gets her on the government’s radar, her partner puts a gun to her head. Surviving means making an unlikely friend with an FBI agent named Seeker, but he has a mission of his own. Bring Hunter back to the PIT alive to face judgment for the multitude of murders she’s had a part of. Hunter learns that if she wants to clear her name, she must put her life on the line to bring down Talon, the agency she used to work for. With each passing hour becoming more perilous, Hunter must decide who to trust before her next mission becomes her last.
Excerpt: I was a type one telepath, a mind reader. I found the trail in people’s thoughts that led me to the bounty. Currently I was freezing to death in the middle of Seattle Washington, where the sun didn’t shine and the rain came and went like waves on the shore. I was searching for a mark that was proving to be a pain in my ass. It had been three weeks since we had taken the job and today was the closest we had been to finding her, to finding Dawn Miles.
My heart skipped a beat when the com in my ear buzzed.
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First, formatting matters. This was hard to read because of the spacing. This is another “show don’t tell” moment for me with your opening line. It’s direct, but it feels like too early for this kind of straight up reveal. Maybe you could tweak the second line and open with that? I’m just not sure where this one is a fit for me. Urban fantasy is just such a hard sell in YA right now.
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Huge thank you to Heather for putting this together, and to Shira taking the time to do this! Both of you ladies rock!
Title: THE ALDAR DOMINION
Word count: 82,000
Genre: NA Science Fiction
Pitch:
The Aldar Dominion saved the World.
Three hundred years ago, the alien corporation saved the human race from extinction by disease. But when Selene and her band of international smugglers go on a mission to save the tortured animals of the New Manhattan labs, their subsequent chase through the city gets more attention than intended. Selene is torn between two worlds; the one she knows and the one that hold the answers to her forgotten past. Soon she’ll have to make a choice, find out the truth about the Dominion and herself or stick with the only family she’s ever known.
Excerpt:
Dangling from the open hovercraft door, Selene wondered if the lab security had any idea what was about to happen. It was late, well past midnight. They had spent the last few days staking out the low security facility on the very edge of the city. It was a fairly large building, with small security bots sweeping the yard. All was quiet, aside from the low thrum of the hover propellers.
“Stick to the plan.” Selene took stock of the dark roof one last time before she stepped inside, meeting her partner’s knowing gaze. At the front of the cockpit sat the captain of their small smuggling operative.
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First, this is not NA! I see this mistake constantly. NA is romance, primarily contemporary. It’s started to cross over a teenie tiny bit to other genres, but it hasn’t really broken out. Even then, it’s still very closely focused on the romance, it’s steamy, it has a very specific kind of a voice, which your story doesn’t have. This seems like adult sci-fi/fantasy.
I feel like the scope of your story feels a bit vague and generic. I’m not sure what the stakes are. A break in at a lab to free some animale plays to my sympathies, but this story doesn’t feel big enough to me and I’m not sure what’s on the line.
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Title: GATHOS
Word count: 73,000 words
Genre: Young Adult Light Science Fiction
Pitch:
Sixteen-year-old Nate is dying.
Nate’s designer blood is worth a fortune, but he lives with a gang of tech scavengers, hiding from the ruthless scientists who created him — and want him back.
Nate lets the boy he secretly loves believe that he’s an addict to protect him from the truth: There’s a bounty on his head, and the illegal drug he relies on is running out.
In SHIP BREAKER meets a gay OLIVER TWIST, Nate must choose between bartering his blood to terrorists to stay alive, or giving his life to save the misfit gang he loves.
Excerpt:
Nate’s stomach rumbled at the smell of street sausage from a food stall. He could use a couple of credits to snag one, but most street meat in the Withers was sludge-rat guts and gravel. He’d eat later, once he’d sold the gang’s haul.
He climbed a rusted staircase to the nearest abandoned rail station. The railway led straight to the port, following the hooked curve of the island.
Gathos City trains didn’t stop at the derelict stations in the Withers. They sped by with a steady rhythm, coughing exhaust and raining dust onto the street thirty feet below.
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Great pitch, but I’m not getting a YA voice from your prose. Maybe pick a more exciting place to start, this feels a bit mundance and I’m not getting much other than a bit of world building and description.
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§ Title: NOWHERE BEHELD
§ Word count: 87,000
§ Genre: Adult Fantasy
§ Pitch: Fin doesn’t know who he is, and his girlfriend, Vivian, wants to help. When a tattoo appears on his hand which allows him to open a door to ruined Camelot, they learn the truth. Fin is the bastard son of Camelot’s queen, and Vivian’s mother was a Knight of the Round Table. To keep them safe from the usurper who toppled Arthur’s kingdom, they had been hidden in another world. Together, they can restore Camelot, but the man who deposed Arthur and killed his followers discovers their existence. They must help Arthur, or risk sharing the fate of his knights.
§ Excerpt:
If you had asked him this morning whether Vivi was capable of delivering a wallop that could level him, he would have snorted with laughter. Five foot nothing, will o’the wisp with wrists so tiny he could encircle both with one hand, sweet-tempered Vivi knocked him flat on his ass with a punch that split his chin and sent him sprawling. His dinner date sat stunned with her fork halfway to her mouth, spear of asparagus pointing, comically, to his now empty seat.
“How could you?” She seethed. “How could you?”
“What the hell, Vivi!” Holy night! Was he flat on his back in the middle of Le Pont de la Tour?
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Hi Rachel. I like the Aurthurian hook, but I’m left with a feeling of confusion about how this ties together. Both of them having Authurian relatives seems to coincidental and familiar and Vivian is a big question mark for me, I just feel like I’m missing something here and the opening doesn’t grab me.
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Title: BAD THINGS COME IN THREES
Word count: 87,000
Genre: Romantic Suspense
Pitch:
Dear Ms. Hoffman,
To ensure anti-military combat photographer, Gray Emerson, suffers before she dies, a revenge-seeking terrorist targets her loved-ones.
To stop the killings, Gray must accept help from her estranged father’s Special Operations task team. Falling for the team’s leader wasn’t part of her plan.
Gray has one rule when it comes to men. No married-to-the-military bastards. But Sergeant Chase Mackenzie has his own gravitational pull, and she’s attracted to it.
It’s a problem.
He’s a dangerously sexy distraction and lives are at stake. Quite possibly his. Most definitely hers.
Thank you for your consideration.
Excerpt:
You can’t find comfort in a bottle of vodka. Courage, absolutely. Comfort, not so much. At least, not in Gray Emerson’s experience, and she’d had lots of it. Experience that is…vodka, too.
Stashed in her bra, her phone vibrated for the fourth time as the door of her three-by-five toilet stall shook again.
“Let’s go, bitch!”
Gray ignored the woman’s plea for access to the porcelain throne she was monopolizing and downed the first of two doubles. Grey Goose with a splash of Red Bull made her heart trip wildly and her head spin.
Thank God she was sitting down.
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The only thing wrong with this pitch is the comma splicing!!!! It’s everywhere. Unnecessary commas abound. Please send me the pitch, synopsis and first 100. But maybe have a punctuation nerd friend take a look first to help you out? Otherwise this might be a tad hard to read. When you send don’t forget to put “Sub It Club” and the title of the manuscript in the subject line.
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Thanks!!! Emailing my punctuation nerd friends now. Will send you a splice free submission tomorrow. Appreciate the feedback. Have a great night.
Edith
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Title: THE FALL OF THE TUNETELLERS
Word count: 75,000
Genre: YA Epic Fantasy
Pitch: Princesses are supposed to marry a prince and live happily after ever. Seventeen-year-old Galatrin Lofstra doesn’t have that luxury. She’s been asked to carry the hope of her people to safety far from her home—two weeks before her wedding.
An ancient prophecy tells of betrayal, the Dread Lord and the destruction of the Tunetellers, a race whose lifeblood is their music. Singing has not only brought peace to the entire region but possesses healing and nurturing attributes. When the Tunetellers are attacked from within their mountain fortress it appears the prophecy will become reality.
Excerpt:
Galatrin stifled a scream as a hand closed over her mouth.
“Not a sound, dear one. We must prepare to leave.”
Her mother, Queen Lofstra, dropped her hand and looked at Galatrin, her eyes smoldering in the candlelight.
“Mother, what is it?” Galatrin replied, her heart pounding.
“We are under attack,” the queen said. She turned to pick up the small taper beside Galatrin’s bed. Fear and resolve mingled in her voice.
Galatrin could not recall a time when her mother had appeared more tired or distraught. Her skin was pale. Galatrin could see her mother had not been sleeping.
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This kind of epic fantasy isn’t really my thing. Good luck!
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Title: THE THING WITH FEATHERS
Word count: 72,000
Genre: Adult Magical Realism
Pitch:
Like the women of Uponyaji Hospital, Rezimbo has suffered through a never-ending war, haunted by an attack that left her disfigured.
But unlike the women, Rezimbo has a gift of seeing light, and knows who will live and who will die. She also knows one mother is keeping secrets when she abandons her dying baby.
When rebels demand more than their usual bribes from her son who is Uponyaji’s sole doctor, everyone’s safety is shattered. With her vision of light and the abandoned baby guiding her, she sets out on a journey to save Uponyaji, no matter the cost.
Excerpt:
Hoping to rouse little Ruelle from her unending sleep, Rezimbo shuffles from the kitchen with a bowl of beans and scented rice, and a mouthful of stories.
Clucking at the guard, Ednel, hurrying for one of his long bathroom breaks, her ears prick to the sound of Ednel turning the pages of the magazine he hides behind the waste bucket. She raps her knuckles on the flimsy door.
“Did I tell you how the Mbantu once trapped a giant in their nets? They cut off his toes and buried them under the marmalade bush, and out sprouted tumbo roots.”
Ednel grunts on the other side of the door. “Yes, Nani.”
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Hi Virginia. I’m just not connecting to this. I tend to be a little bit more into a contemporary feel when it comes to magical realism. The concept is interesting, but I glaze over whenever babies come on the scene. I think this is just a mismatch. Good luck!
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Title: Like Water
Word count: 75,000
Genre: YA LGBT contemporary scifi
Pitch: Grieving seventeen-year-old Micah must learn to live outside his twin’s shadow. What he doesn’t plan on is literally stepping into his brother’s shoes. Borrowing an identity would be easier if Micah wasn’t infiltrating a psychic terrorist cell to expose them, or worse, falling hard for the bosses right hand man.
Excerpt:
The first time a body washed up on the beach I wished for an asteroid the size of Texas to take the rest of us out. Because I wasn’t strong enough to end it all myself. Because I knew he would be so mad at me if I even tried. But a random act of nature? I really couldn’t be blamed for that, no matter how many gods I begged. And trust me, there was begging. And rash promises. Enough to leave a guy pretty numb.
Probably why, when the second body came to shore, I wasn’t exactly surprised.
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I’m intrigued. Please send the query, synopsis, and first 100 to my query email. Don’t forget to write “Sub It Club” and the title of the manuscript in the subject line. Thanks!
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• Title: LONE GIRL
• Word count: 32,000
• Genre: YA adventure/verse novel
PITCH:
In this contemporary retelling of ISLAND OF THE BLUE DOLPHINS, a scheme to host a secret sleepover turns into a nightmarish adventure when 14 year-old Madeleine is left alone in a suburban town that has been mysteriously evacuated overnight. On her own and unable to communicate with the outside world, Maddie grapples with adolescence, overcomes natural disasters and wild animals, and invents clever ways to survive with her devoted Rottweiler, George. She wrestles with the meaning of life in the face of endless solitude and learns in the end that being alone is the greatest challenge of all.
EXCERPT:
This is Not Adolescent Hyperbole
This is my reality.
Alone in this place
where I’ve been
surviving on my own
for almost four years
with no one but
a big, smelly
Rottweiler who farts
and hogs the covers.
(You might think
I’m exaggerating but
I’m not. I’m not just
“being dramatic.”)
I figured by the time
I turned sixteen I’d be
thinking about drivers’ ed
and being asked to prom
and AP exams
and sports
and sex
and boyfriends
(or girlfriends).
But instead
I’m thinking about
where to find food
and fuel
and water
and whether to use
Mountain Dew to force
flush the toilet or to drink
even though it’s the color
of radioactive urine
and it’s probably toxic
when ingested over
long periods of time.
Better to be radioactive
or dehydrated? These are
the questions that plague
my daily existence.
At least for now.
At least
until
my parents
come back.
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Novels is verse are tough sell and not really something I’m looking for. They need to be really stand out and I’m not sure from what I see here that there is a market for this. I might not be the best agent to comment on this one. Good luck!
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TITLE: THE LONDON INCIDENT
WORD COUNT: 56,000
GENRE: YA Contemporary Mystery
PITCH:
Dru Stone, a feisty sixteen-year-old Red Sox fan, is almost run over by a BMW, knocked down at the Boston airport, trapped in the plane’s restroom, and stalked around London by two men seeking a flash drive planted on her at the airport.
Although geeks aren’t her type, she’s drawn to Darcy, a boy in her tour group. They’re chased in the Tower of London, witness a murder on the Eye, and held hostage. If they can’t free themselves, they’ll be killed, and the flash drive listing secret government agents, including Dru’s father, will be sold to the highest bidder.
EXCERPT:
The sunlight peeking through the clouds made Dru’s long wavy hair glisten like flames. With a light touch, she brushed the loose strands from her face. “Did you watch Sunday’s game?” she asked Andi as they walked to school. “The Red Sox won with a base-loaded walk in the ninth.”
Andi stopped texting and let out an exasperated sigh. “Dru Stone, for a sixteen-year-old girl, you’re way too obsessed with baseball.”
Dru took a step back, feeling the color in her cheeks rising. “We’ve been friends since I moved to Boston, back in fifth grade. You know I’m a diehard Red Sox fan.”
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You might do well to switch around the order of this pitch and cut some of the individual plot points/action. Your pitch feels too much like a blow by blow. The first sentence is packed and confusing. Putting the flash drive front and center and giving us a bit more of the motivation behind the central conflict would help. I don’t think this one is for me. I’m just not a baseball fan and I’m having trouble connecting with your prose.
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Thanks, Ms. Hoffman, for your input. All suggestions and comments to help improve my novel and pitch are greatly appreciated!
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Title: The Misadventures of Ned
Word Count: 25,000
Genre: Middle Grade – Historical – Animal
Pitch:
Set in 17th century Scotland THE MISADVENTURES OF NED follows a donkey named Ned, as he narrates his experiences with wit and candor on his journey through the Scottish Highlands. With all the stubbornness and tenacity that donkeys are known for, Ned endures a mistress’s cruel lashings, shows up a neighborhood bully, and faces the hardships of being alone in the wild as he continues his cross-country quest to find his heart’s desire: his first home. But can his destination be derailed by the love of a child in this novel of loss, determination, and the healing power of love?
Excerpt:
BANG!
The slamming of the kitchen door jarred me awake. I squinted at the early morning rays of the sun as they flashed through the window. Over the morning chorus of blackcaps, the shrill voice of my mistress pierced my brain as she called to her children.
“Make haste, Quinn! Git Bones outta his stall. I willna be late this mornin. Cait, go fetch ma baskets.”
I could hear the sound of footsteps racing across the cobblestone courtyard outside my window.
No! No! No! Please don’t let it be Tuesday!
A shudder ran through my body, for I knew what lay in store for me.
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I don’t rep this genre!
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Sorry, if I misunderstood. In your Sub It Club interview (February 3rd) you stated that: “I’m also pretty well known for being a total pushover when it comes to animals, especially horses. I’ve yet to find the perfect animal book to add to my list. ” so I took a chance.
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Shira is looking for upper middle grade only so that could be it. You might want to look into MG word count s well. You seem to be right at the low end there. http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05/wordcount-dracula.html
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Thanks, Heather! Actually I counted last year’s manuscript, I’ve added another 1,600 words to the story which is upper middle grade… as some of the beating scenes and the wolf attack are not for younger children
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Title: Beauty Bound
Word count: 96,000
Genre: Adult Fantasy
Pitch:
When Mirea meets the handsome King Trystan, she is intrigued and appalled by his offer: become his mistress and all her family’s debts will be forgiven. She accepts, but insists upon the unusual condition that she remain a virgin for her future husband.
Once inside his bedroom, Trystan’s abnormal behavior sends Mirea searching for a magical explanation. With a gritty determination to destroy the king’s demons, Mirea sets out to release the gentle spirit buried inside of him… if it truly exists.
BEAUTY BOUND is a grown-up fairy tale re-telling, complete with whips, rope, and a grimm and dirty twist.
Excerpt:
Mirea sat in the carriage opposite her parents with her hands delicately folded in her lap. Two canaries fluttered outside the door, chirping away. She envied them; they would never know a cage like hers. Her wings were clipped months ago as Mother groomed her into the epitome of well-bred innocence with sweet country charm. A prize to be handed over to the highest bidder.
The familiar forest of trees turned into bustling civilization and cobblestone paths as they neared Highshore, the capital of Pavia. Mirea fought the bile rising in her throat, insisting to herself that the tightness of her bodice made her ill, not fear and impending doom.
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This seems like it’s verging on erotica in the vein of Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy. This just isn’t my kind of story or the direction I’m looking to build my list in. Happy hunting.
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Title: THE FORGOTTEN PROPOSAL
Word Count: 80,000
Genre: Women’s Fiction
Pitch:
Lexie Warner has everything she could ever hope for: a career she’s passionate about, a loving family, wonderful friends, and David, her adoring fiancé. Her life turns upside down the morning after her engagement. On her way to his parents’ house for a celebratory brunch, a drunk driver hits her car head on in a horrific collision. She wakes from a coma confused to find a ring on her finger but no memories of the last year, the proposal, or David. She fights to remember her past and the man who loves her but letting him go may be the only way forward.
Excerpt:
On a cold, gray, drizzly London afternoon, Lexie learned that her job had been eliminated in an organizational restructuring. She had worked at the company for five years and her co-workers were like family. It was hard to believe that everyone in her department had been let go and she wouldn’t be here tomorrow. She collected her pictures, a favorite mug, and a few items from her desk and placed them in her bag. Lexie hugged her friends goodbye and took one last look around before walking out the front door.
The light sprinkle from earlier turned into a downpour and her umbrella flipped inside out.
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You’ve got a good commercial style, but this is overall just too generic. Comma, drunk driver, car accident, memory lose, I’ve seen all these elements done over and over. It doesn’t have any particular element that stands out to me or sets it apart.
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Title: FROZEN ILLUSION
Word Count: 90,000
Genre: YA Sci-Fi Thriller with Romance
Pitch:
Orphaned and alone, Cora receives an unusual offer to join secretive Core 7—guardians of Earth. One catch…there is no leaving. With nowhere else to go, Cora accepts. Soon she’s sent to stop a plot by the feared Bratva to forever alter Earth. Yet all signs point to someone within Core 7 wanting her dead, forcing her to face haunting memories of her past to survive.
With the fate of millions in her hands, she must choose between escaping to discover the truth and risking her life to stop the plot. Either way, her limits and sanity will be tested.
Excerpt:
Cora cautiously approached the rusty green sign emblazoned with “GASOLINE” nailed to the side of the building. She took a deep breath and let it slowly find its way out of her lips, hoping to calm her nerves.
“We are the guardians of the Earth,” she spoke almost in a whisper, trying to boost her courage.
Placing her hand over the “O” in “GASOLINE” as instructed, she waited. Nothing happened. She pressed harder. Still nothing. Turning her head, she surveyed the area and found it absent of life except for a grey squirrel racing up a lopsided maple tree.
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Too generic! “Nowhere else to go” “alter earth forever” “haunting memories of her past”
I just don’t know what your story is about or what makes it stand out. You need to be more specific to really catch an agents eye.
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Title: THE BODY IN THE ROSES
Word count: 92,000
Genre: Literary mystery
Pitch:
If hemispherectomy-survivor Carey can juggle classes, homework, internships, and an overbearing best bro who worries Carey’s mental health is slipping, he might have a chance at happily-ever-independent. But he’s talking to a dead girl again—this time, Greer Russo, the original bad feminist—and eff him, she’s talking back.
While uncovering a skull-and-bones conspiracy in their tiny South Dakotan college town, Carey realizing he’s risking another mental health crisis helping desperate-to-discover Greer figure out who she was, and if that has anything to do with the woman she’s becoming before her after-party for life bender is over.
Excerpt:
It was another party on the front lawn of a run-down house a couple of seniors rented from a local slumlord. An inflatable pool claimed most of their brown lawn. Even though when they woke, hung-over—craving greasy bacon on biscuits—it would be November.
Isn’t that just college for you?
Greer couldn’t remember, but it looked more and more like she’d been a chick sporting a bikini that somehow, but not-quite-brilliantly, doubled as a Halloween costume, splayed out in a kiddie-pool drinking cheap beer with guys who were kicked out of a frat for being too douchey. Yep, classy.
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There is just too much going on here for me to parse. You’ve become a bit innacesable here. I don’t know what you are talking about when you say things like “hemispherectomy” “happily-ever-independent” and “after-part for life bender.” Creativity is one thing, but when it’s confusing agents and editors will stop reading. So be careful, a little goes a long way.
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Title: THE QUESTER
Word Count: 72,000
Genre: Young Adult Science Fiction
Pitch:
While on a date at a roadside fair, sixteen-year-old Andrew stumbles upon the Keepers, a group of people with extraordinary powers. Andrew quickly realizes he too is a Keeper as his powers to control plants begins to manifest.
Now the Keepers need his help to correct an imbalance of energy in the universe by traveling to other dimensions and collecting ten dangerous artifacts called Quester Stones. Without their energy, the universe will collapse in on itself and destroy everything. Deep down, Andrew knows this is where he belongs, even if mean leaving behind everything he cares for.
Excerpt:
“We should spend every Halloween like this!” Christine grinned. She had black whiskers painted on her face and had a ball of white fluff pinned to the back of her blue jeans. On top of her head was a pair of pink and white bunny ears. She had braided her light brown hair and then wrapped it into a bun behind her head.
“Yeah, this is fun,” Andrew beamed. He adjusted the eye patch he was wearing and pushed his pirate hat down tighter on his head over his brown hair. The goofy plastic hat was constantly threatening to fall off his head.
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Doing super powers is really difficult right now and overall this just feels too generic to me. I like the idea of a power that can control plants, but this has too much a general collect the stones and win the quest feel for me. Good luck!
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Title: TIN CANS
Word Count: 77,120
Genre: Women’s Commercial Fiction
PITCH:
Meet Lana Turner, self- proclaimed Queen of Mobile Home Sales in all of South Florida. She is the glue, the caregiver, the fixer for everyone in her life. She’s also exhausted from trying to keep her business in the black, always two steps forward, two steps back. Her anal ex says she’s a sinking ship, but he’ll still happily have sex with her. Family worries about her lack of commitment to her business, thinks she should make pies at the family store. Lana worries about her employees if should close the doors, mainly because she can’t imagine anyone else hiring them. Phew!
EXCERPT:
Shit, shit, shit. The words just keep repeating themselves. His house is coming up fast, two more turns and I’ll be there. My business is borderline red, but is this the solution? Bigger question is, do I really want to keep it out of the red? It’s my personal wrestling match, no clear winner. Shit, shit, shit. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a say in my own life. Is keeping whacky people employed more important than feeding my gypsy soul?
I’m at the gate; do I push the button so I can get in? Now I’m thinking I need a check- up from the neck up.
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Title: LOST IN TRANSITION
Word Count: 55,000
Genre: YA Contemporary
Pitch:
When Vanessa Montgomery’s ex-best friend betrayed her in a cruel and unexpected way, her identity shattered, leaving her paralyzed with anxiety. Since she couldn’t control the nightmare at school, she controlled what she ate instead, and she almost disappeared along with her old identity. Then she did disappear: to a new school. Now she’s starting over. But her past still haunts her. Will she be able to remember the hurtful events she’s repressed and come to terms with her experience? Or will the truth stay buried underneath the layers of self-protection that are preventing her from ever trusting anyone again?
First 100 Words:
So here I am, sitting in a Safeway parking lot early in the morning, waiting for a bus to a leadership camp sponsored by a school that doesn’t feel like my own. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I’m not sure of much of anything anymore. Up until about a week ago, I thought I had it figured out. Things didn’t work out at Green Valley, but at least I had Dean and Rusty. But then there was that horrible day with Dean… I still don’t want to think about it. It’s too humiliating.
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Title: WISHES OF FIRE
Word count: 120,000
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Pitch:
On her eighteenth birthday, Ashlynn Weaver receives three wishes from a fiery jinn named Rizian. Together, they rescue her mother from a witch’s spell inside the magical world Ash has glimpsed in her dreams. When Ash’s first two wishes go awry, she’s soon caught up in a feud between scheming witches and a vengeful fairy queen, plus romantic encounters with Rizian that run literally too hot to handle. If his highly-flammable kisses don’t do her in, her dangerous new dreamwalking ability might. When protecting her family means sacrificing her heart, she must dream up a way to keep both.
Excerpt:
One thing about drowning: it doesn’t always look like drowning, or so I learned in my lifeguard training course. I think it’s also true about drowning on the inside. Someone can be drowning in secrets, hidden fears, and hide it all behind an everything-is-copacetic smile. I should know.
My feet bounce along the diving board. With each step, the warm, gritty surface greets my bare soles. The air around me sizzles, blasting me with scents of summer: chlorine, suntan lotion, and hormones gone wild. As I perch at the edge, my only thoughts are of spending the next three months chilling in a tall chair, sporadically blowing my whistle at rowdy kids and warning, “Walk, don’t run, around the pool.”
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Sorrry, I didn’t specify YA Paranormal Romance. ^.^
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Title: THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND YOU AND ME
Word Count: 77,000
Genre: YA contemporary
Pitch:
Lacey Burke is the last person on the planet who should be giving sex advice. For starters, she’s never even kissed anyone. She’d also probably get expelled from her strictly abstinence-only school in her conservative small town if anyone found out. And she hates breaking the rules.
When Lacey sees first-hand how damaging the sex-ed curriculum of her school has become, she decides to take a stand. With the help of her her two best friends she starts doling out wisdom and contraception to anyone who seeks her out in the girls’ restroom. But when one of her clients, a pregnant freshman, threatens to expose her and her friends if Lacey doesn’t help her keep the pregnancy a secret, she’ll have to choose between keeping her client safe and protecting the people she cares most about.
Excerpt:
The phone call isn’t exactly unexpected. My mom always finds a reason to check on something. Did she leave enough milk for my baby brother Dylan? Does Charlie remember Nina’s music class? It’s obvious she just wants to know how the kids are doing. My stepdad Charlie knows this and when he sees her number on the Caller ID, he rubs his two-day stubble and takes a breath before he answers: “Hon, the kids are fine, but they miss you just the right amount, and Lacey and I are about to take them to the store to stock up on lunch fixings.”
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Title: THE RELUCTANT PRINCESS
Word count: 90,000
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Pitch: After a fire destroys her paintings, Zara needs two things to fulfill the art gallery’s contract for multiple masterpieces—a quick hit of cash for supplies and a way to rekindle her creativity. Otherwise, she can kiss her career-making gallery spot good-bye. So she reluctantly returns to a lucrative gig as a princess-costumed face painter, where she meets Brendan, a hot, divorced dad who could bring a spark to her life or ruin everything.
Excerpt:
On a snowy February morning, Zara Kissette hoofed it to her day job in midtown Baltimore. She was happy. Well, happyish. Which was why she should have known the universe was about to punch her square in the ladyjunk.
That was the kind of relationship she had with the universe.
But for the next minute, happyishness reigned.
She’d paid her bills and had a little cash left over for coffee. She didn’t have any new paintings on the easel, but yesterday’s meeting with the gallery owner went way better than she’d hoped. She might, just maybe, have a shot at a show.
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Title: Tell Me No Lies
Word count: 55,000
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Pitch: Seven years ago, Harriet Emerson lied to Lucas Hall about two things. One being the injuries sustained in an accident on his motorcycle, leaving her in a wheelchair. The second was how she felt about him, to send him away angry.
Lucas is back to end their abortive marriage and he realises Harriet lied to him about her injuries. He wants to know how many other lies she told when she sent him away. He built a software empire in the last seven years. Getting Harriet back will be his biggest challenge yet. If only they don’t repeat their mistakes.
Excerpt:
“I was promised a geek, Jimmie. Why haven’t they delivered?”
“Maybe they were all out of stock.”
“Oh, very funny.” Harriet jabbed at the keyboard, but the screen didn’t respond. “We can’t do a thing until the system is back on-line.” Another reboot wasn’t going to do anything. She squirmed in her chair, unaccountably restless. Releasing a puff of air from the corner of her mouth to shift an annoying strand of hair, she keyed in the command to shut it down one more time. She could do this. She’d been doing it for years. Though being the computer tech…
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Title: VIOLET GLOOM AND THE CURSE OF DOWNCAST
Word count: 57,000
Genre: Upper MG Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch:
A few months after her mother’s death, science-mad Violet Gloom moves with her broken-hearted dad to the dreary town of Downcast. There she resigns herself to a life of boredom and exactly zero super-cool, bathroom-destroying science experiments. But when Violet stumbles across three melancholy ghosts, she learns Downcast is cursed.
In order to break it, Violet must steal a ghost machine and move the ghosts on to the Great Beyond. If she succeeds, she will save Downcast and cure her sadness. If she fails, she’ll lose her new home and the only family she has left.
Excerpt:
‘You know, Vi, some people say that Downcast is cursed,’ said Dad as we zoomed past a rickety old sign by the roadside that read: DOWNCAST: A HOME FOR THE MELANCHOLY. On the very top of the hill in front of us, I could see the inky silhouette of a town against an orange-red sunrise.
Past Violet (before it happened) would have jumped up and down in her seat and asked hundreds of questions and, before you knew it, devised a really cool experiment to determine once and for all whether curses actually exist.
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This is just too adorable. Great voice! Can you send me the pitch, synopsis and the full please? Thanks!
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Don’t forget to put “Sub It Club” and the title in the subject line of the email.
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TITLE: EARTH EYES
WORD COUNT: 52,000
GENRE: YA Fantasy
100 WORD PITCH:
When sixteen-year-old Theia Bryar stumbles through a portal in the air, she finds herself on an island inhabited by people who can manipulate the elements. There, she discovers that she is the half-human daughter of Mother Nature, and the key to mom’s revenge plan against humans. With newfound powers and help from friends, Theia must fight to stop the devolution of humanity. But as she comes to terms with the devastation Earth faces if humans continue their destructive ways, she is faced with a more pressing question: who should she really be fighting for?
FIRST 100 WORDS:
I brushed my fingertips against the lavender as I walked.
The air was thick with the smoky-sweet scent of the violet flowers. All I needed was mint, and I knew exactly what aisle it would be in. After all, I came here at least once a week. I zigzagged through the garden center anyway, walking up and down the rows of plants, admiring their bursts of colors.
I knew it wasn’t a typical place for a sixteen-year-old to hang out. Most of the other girls my age were spending their time at the mall or going on dates, while I spent my weekends covered in dirt in my garden.
—————————————
Ms. Hoffman, thank you for your time and consideration.
And thanks to Heather, for setting up this wonderful opportunity for us.
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Title: The Set-Up: A Duet
Word count: 71 614
Genre: YA Contemporary-mystery-romance
Pitch:
After Eric, 17, learns of his journalist father’s murder, he agrees to help mysterious Martin find the perpetrator. One lead? A long-ago HIV-AIDS vaccine cover-up by the pharmaceutical company SAC. Another lead may lie in the message Sylvie, 17, will receive from her deceased parents, former SAC scientists, on her birthday. Martin persuades Eric to woe Sylvie so she’ll share the information, but soon Eric struggles with the lies. And Sylvie wonders whether to reveal to Eric the disturbing content of her recent “visions.” Will the teens find their way to trust each other – and save Eric’s father?
Excerpt:
Monday December 14
Something’s going to happen. Something bad.
Sylvie knew it.
This was her last class of the day, the last class before winter holidays began. Sylvie’s grade eleven English teacher, Mr. Brenner, was assigning readings.
But Sylvie felt it descend over her: the dizziness, the loss of vision. Something bad is going to happen.
It was too late to get up. Too late to leave the classroom.
Moaning softly, Sylvie dropped her head onto her desk and closed her eyes. For once she didn’t care what her fellow students might think. She couldn’t care. Because she wasn’t there anymore.
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I fear this subject matter framed in this way might be a hard sell in YA.
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Title: Pillars of Hiracea: Earth & Fire
Word count: 89,000
Genre: YA Fantasy
Pitch: Ivy Greenhill, a privileged merchants’ daughter, is a girl who always gets what she wants. Raven Firestorm is the head of the black market and believes in protecting what’s hers. They want to live their lives in peace, but when they’re revealed to have magic, it’s an instant death sentence. So to survive, they must learn to fight, or die, in a rebellion against a king determined to destroy them.
Excerpt: Ivy Greenhill’s mind ticked as the prison wagon trundled along the dirt road. The stench of her waste made her gag, and her empty stomach cramped. Her limbs tingled from being crammed into the boxed space with only a small, barred window to mark the passage of time. Her wrists itched and she glared at the silver bands that had left a rash on her skin. The sun gleamed off the perverted symbol of the goddess Ynaris etched deep into the esnogum, a metal that blocked all magic. The moment they’d slapped them on, she was cut off from her power.
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TITLE: The Romanov Legacy
WORD COUNT: 80,411 words
GENRE: Literary thriller
PITCH
Natalie knows Nicholas II, last tsar of Russia, left behind a secret bank account – but no one believes her because of how she knows. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, Natalie’s recurring hallucination is the voice of an angel named Belial. He tells her the treasure exists. Not even her sister, a history professor, takes her seriously…until a handsome Russian spy kidnaps her. On the run from a brutal prime minister, Constantine needs Natalie’s help to save his country’s legacy. Natalie needs Constantine’s help to save her sanity. Together, they’ll fight to save Russia’s future by solving a mystery in its past.
FIRST 100 WORDS
The guards shot at anything that moved. Birds, stray dogs, even street vendors who came too close to the whitewashed palisade shielding the house from view—no one was safe and there were no warning shots. Target practice, they called it.
The men “practiced” every day after lunch, calling out the name of a different Romanov and shooting wildly at a tree trunk or a tin of food set on a fence post. They called this place “The House of Special Purpose,” and only the blind harbored illusions about what that purpose might be.
Marie was not blind.
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What an amazing opportunity! Thank you!
TITLE: From Peaksbury to Piyali
WORD COUNT: 69,000
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade fantasy with sci-fi elements
PITCH:
Meeting an interplanetary traveler comes as a shock to twelve year old Ella Whitestone, who lives in turn-of-the-20th-century Peaksbury. The traveler has come just to bring her news: there is an otherworldly gift Ella unknowingly holds, called Osi code, etched inside a Whitestone heirloom locket, and an uncle who Ella thought was dead is actually alive, captive in faraway Piyali. Faced with family secrets and told that she alone can use the locket’s curious Osi code to help her uncle, Ella is compelled to embark on a journey sprinkled with magic and peril.
EXCERPT:
In a place much like Earth, called Erde, in the country of Montland, there lived the Whitestone family. Or at least some of the Whitestone family. Twelve year old Ella Whitestone was going about her simple life as usual until a family heirloom flew off of her neck.
“Drat! These short arms!” Ella said, with a noisy, foamy brook in the background. She groaned as she stretched her arm, trying not to slip into the icy cold water below. Her walk to the mountain-fed brook with her friend Torin had gone awry.
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Title: THE TREASURES OF DODRAZEB
Word Count: 97,000
Genre: Historical Fantasy
Pitch:
Persian warrior-prince Rasteem is chasing a murderer. Though it may spark war against his Empire, a cryptic prophecy leads him to invade and occupy Dodrazeb, a kingdom whose king is missing. Desperate to conceal Dodrazeb’s ancient secrets, sly Princess Laneffri insists her father is not the killer Rasteem seeks. When Rasteem learns that one of those secrets is a powerful weapon anyone can use to terrorize and conquer, Laneffri schemes to protect it. But the device is also missing. Science may look like sorcery, but Rasteem will kill anyone – even a king – to save Persia from annihilation by deadly technology.
Excerpt:
Rasteem resisted sending the boy back to his tent. Another volley of fiery arrows whistled into the city. Restless Persian soldiers waited while flaming missiles from siege engines reduced sections of the city’s wall to rubble.
“What’re we waiting for?” Kamran bounced on his toes.
Rasteem glanced at the young soldier. “Light. We don’t know this city.”
He was ready to conquer this enigmatic kingdom. To find and put an end to the Viper. But Rasteem most wanted to keep Kamran safe. He wouldn’t allow his nephew’s death to fulfill the bizarre prophecy that had brought them here. This must be a quick victory.
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